a logical waste of space

Relocation

2011-10-02T14:04:00.000-04:00

If anybody actually subscribes to this blog, please note that Fi Chince has moved to http://fichince.blogspot.com. Mental Anarchy continues to post here.

The 2000s: A Decade In Review

2010-01-26T01:09:00.002-05:00

I've wanted to write a post about this for a couple of months now, but I couldn't figure out a way to downplay the bleakness of our world today. In an effort to put a more optimistic tone on the last decade, I believe things can be summed up in the following manner:

We're screwed.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering how in the world this statement can be construed as being optimistic. I think the majority of people can generally agree with the "screwed" part in principal, however, it is the "we" part that I want to focus my commentary on.

The 2000s can be summed up as a decade in which the bad guys won, but the good guys grew exponentially. To focus in on the events of 9/11, the ascension of George W. Bush, and the greed that brought our economy down would be to give undue credence to the corrupt minority. In fact, while all of this was going on, a growing backlash has occurred against those who have abused the concept of freedom in the name of power.

The boundaries that have defined our society for decades -- namely race, gender, religion, and sexual orientation -- are finally showing signs of coming down. The advent of the Internet and globalization has shrunk our world and made us realize that we really aren't that different from one another. Despite the fact that the media continually plays up the growing violence between the Muslim and Western world, it is becoming clear that it is merely those in charge who are fighting. Meanwhile, a growing majority is uniting in the name of freedom, mutual respect, and fairness.

However, as is true in most cases, people who possess power will always find ways to keep it.

In the face of Obama's election, corporate funded propaganda machines such as Fox News have done everything they can to skew the concepts of freedom for their own personal gain. We're led to believe that corporations are the same as people, and as such, should have the freedom to say and do whatever they want. We see commercials on TV telling us we can lose weight with "little to no effort", and have just sort of accepted the fact that our society runs on a shaky ethical foundation. Dishonesty in the name of money and power has become the status quo.

To make things even worse, it has become obvious that those with money have more influence on our own government than the people do. The US Supreme Court -- an entity stacked with "political appointees" -- just last week ruled that capping corporate donations and lobby contributions to elected officials was "unconstitutional". Meanwhile, the Conservative party in Canada tried last year to remove public (and voter based) funding to political parties, which would have effectively left all influence in the government to wealthy private contributors.

But you know what? These people remain a minority. "They" will continue to hold a firm grip on power while "we" continue to grow. "We" elected a minority candidate to government on a message of change. "We" stand against the division that is continually growing between the rich and poor. "We" stand against oppressive regimes that use religion to control people.

The only thing we need to do is channel this opposition into our everyday lives. The corrupt want us to think that life is a "game" where exploiting our morals is the only way to get ahead. We need to start questioning what we are being told and what we are being asked to do on a daily basis. To give up and start playing the "game" is to give them more power.

Cynicism is the one quality that strays us all away from enacting real change. We need to realize that there are growing numbers of us who are at odds with the people in power.

Time will tell how this will all shake out in the decade to come.

Top 20 Albums of the 2000s

2010-01-21T21:54:00.002-05:00

Looks like it's my turn. I've made this a top 20. You'll notice there are a couple of "exceptions" to this list. Perhaps a better title for this post would be "Top 20 Albums I Discovered In the 2000s"....

20. Sigur Ros - Takk (2005)

19. Coldplay - Viva La Vida or Death And All His Friends (2008)

18. MGMT - Oracular Spectacular (2007)

17. Chad Vangaalen - Soft Airplane (2008)

16. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium (2006)

15. Matthew Good - Avalanche (2003)

14. Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head (2002)

13. The Smashing Pumpkins - Machina | The Machines of God (2000)

12. Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero (2007)

11. The Postal Service - Give Up (2003)

10. Nine Inch Nails - With Teeth (2005)

9. Queens of the Stone Age - Songs For The Deaf (2002)

8. A Perfect Circle - Mer de Noms (2000)

7. Death Cab For Cutie - Plans (2005)

6. The Mars Volta - Frances the Mute (2005)

5. k-os - Joyful Rebellion (2004)

4. Our Lady Peace - Spiritual Machines (2000)

3. Tool - Aenima (1996)

2. Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile (1999)

1. Tool - Lateralus (2001)

Revolution

2009-01-20T20:02:00.002-05:00

The Honourable Stephen W. Harper Jr.

2008-11-28T11:13:00.001-05:00

With the terror attacks going on in India, a major political event in Canada was partially buried in the media last night. By Monday, the Conservative government may lose the confidence of the House of Commons, and a new leading party and Prime Minister may very well take power.

Canada has always sat somewhere between the extreme political system of the US, where a razor-thin majority results in a single party ruling the country, and Europe, where several smaller minorities regularly form coalition governments. As of Monday, this "middle-ground" approach to our democracy may very well be in crisis as the opposition parties in the House are expected to vote "no confidence" towards the ruling party only two months after an election.

The Liberals, NDP, and Bloc will attempt to make this about the economy, but there's actually a lot more at stake here. Stephen Harper gave a speech yesterday that virtually smacked down any notion of an economic stimulus package, and in many ways, this should not be surprising. It's just the standard ideological argument of Right versus Left that we're used to. The real heart of the matter, however, is a small clause in the mini-budget which takes away public funding of Canada's political parties.

The knee-jerk reaction to this "cost cutting measure" (it's pocket change compared to other bloated government programs) is "good riddance". Off hand, most taxpayers will question why their money is going towards lining the pockets of political parties in the first place. The reality, however, is that regardless of what happens either now or in the future, somebody is going to have to be lining these pockets--election campaigns aren't cheap. Would you rather have a fair system where parties receive funding based on the number of votes they get, or would you rather have a system where parties primarily receive funding from corporate and union interests?

If this argument feels somewhat familiar to you, you're not mistaken. The current United States government under George W. Bush has been solely focused on bending the constitution to give itself more political power while simultaneously pulling itself out of the lives of its citizens. Money talks, not votes. More power and less regulation to the corporations, especially those who fund campaigns. Noting can possib-lie go wrong.*

We've all seen how this is going to end if the Harper government succeeds. It is well known that the Conservatives receive much more funding from corporations than any other political party in Canada. Other parties--especially those that don't put corporate interests at the forefront--will have almost no funding, while smaller parties such as the Greens are likely to go completely bankrupt. The passing of this motion will dictate a permanent shift in the way our democracy operates.

If you don't like the notion of having yet another election or us moving towards a European style of government, think again. The very foundation of our country is at stake.

*I retain the right to insert Simpsons references at my discretion, regardless of the seriousness of my argument.

Conserve THIS!

2008-11-10T22:49:00.002-05:00

I wonder how many times in our history such a widespread simultaneous celebration has taken place. Last night, the majority of people on every single continent on this planet erupted in joy as Obama officially earned the title of "President-Elect".

More importantly, the win signified a major and permanent generational shift in politics in the United States--a trend that you have to assume will spread throughout the free world. Advocates of social and economic conservatism have been shrinking in numbers as more and more liberal-minded youth are growing up.

While the Right will need to reinvent itself in order to have another chance at power, advocates of the old-school conservative ideology will die a slow death. Three states passed anti-gay legislation during the election and California (of all places) was one of them, which put the status of thousands of married couples in jeopardy. And while Obama's gains among rural voters in the north were impressive, white voters in the deep south flatly rejected him.

But here's the thing. Conservatism as it stands has never and will never work. It's a known fact that a bad economy usually results in a Republican defeat during the election season, which makes you wonder why Americans have taken so long to catch on to this trend. An unregulated free market allows the rich and greedy to seize control of power without the best intentions in mind, and the economy has consistently failed under a system that allows the gap between the rich and the poor to expand. The credit crisis was not an accident.

For that matter, no ideology will ever work in government, conservative or otherwise. By definition, change and adaptation to a shifting world is often at odds when a rigid set of ideals are put in place whether they happen to be on the Left or the Right. Our generation understands this, just as the generations after us will learn from our mistakes. Obama represents a long awaited return to logic. His campaign, and hopefully his presidency, has shunned the easy giveaways and pointless ideological attacks that have plagued prior elections.

And so, there will be enormous pressure on Obama to prove to the world that fiscally responsible liberalism can work in government, and that our generation is ready to lead. However, if you consider the fact that the majority of the American people elected a minority candidate as president, it's clear to me that success has already been achieved.

Mmmmm... stakes....

2008-11-03T20:55:00.005-05:00

One thing I love about politics is that it's really the only reliable way to capture the pulse of an entire society. Most people in the world may be truthful, but the only way to ensure that everybody is truthful is to give them their very own voting booth.

Like it or not, the election tomorrow will decide the direction of the world as we know it. This is a turning point. The United States is approaching eight years under one of the worst presidents in its history, and is caught in its worst financial crisis since the Depression. The country remains the world's greatest superpower, but if they are unable to adapt to the new realities of the world, we could be in the midst of fallen empire.

As Canadians, we need to realize how closely we're tied to the US for better or worse. I'll take a reformed America over a World War with China and Russia any day. Most networks are pitching the slogan, "the stakes of this election are high", and for once, they can't really overstate that fact.

Obama doesn't just represent a change in policy, but also represents a change in politics. Capitalism in America has dissolved into an aristocracy of a few hundred exceedingly wealthy people, and these people have a grip on the White House. If democracy is to work, it is up to millions of average Americans to reclaim the government.

And so, the direction of the world rests in the hands of millions of Joe the Plumbers. The only real question at this point is just how many Joe the fuckin' Plumbers are horribly racist, and exactly how many of those will lie to pollsters in order to hide their true intentions. My guess is a whole lot.

Still, if you look at the makeup of the current polls, a minority candidate is poised for one of the largest election landslides in US history. Tomorrow may very well be proof positive that democracy has the ability to heal itself from the ground up, or.....

Racism under the veil of "tolerance"

2008-05-30T09:32:00.003-04:00

In Barak Obama's latest book, The Audacity of Hope, there's a chapter that talks about the polarization of the American media, which has allowed extreme views on either side of the political spectrum to make its way into the mainstream. He writes, "The absense of even rough agreement on the facts puts every opinion on equal footing and therefore eliminates the basis for thoughtful compromise. It rewards not those who are right, but those... who can make their arguments most loudly."

I believe that this assessment correctly identifies the growing divide amongst Americans (and to a smaller part, Canadians) which has become more and more evident after each election. It's no secret that the majority of the electorate tends to be independent-minded and moderate, yet it is those on the extreme right and the extreme left who are awarded the most air time. A unique, bipartisan, and often downright logical opinion on the slightest of issues gets trumped by the juiciness of pundits on either side turning the topic into a philosophical and self-serving argument.

Unfortunately, the monopolistic trend of the world's major media corporations has further pushed along this cause. Conservative-minded Rupert Murdoch recognized the power of the media to sway voters, which led to the creation of Fox News, a network that has relied on tabloid-style "journalism" and blatant right wing propaganda to successfully push its political agenda. The backlash over this erosion of journalistic integrity has lead to an outright paranoia amongst the few remaining media conglomerates, while they still attempt to grab the juicy headlines under the guise of independence. Now, instead of providing a single balanced view that reflects the true pulse of America, they simply throw together two polar extremists to bicker about pointless issues for hours on end.

The climate has been somehow construed such that racists are now allowed to freely give their opinions on a variety of matters, because not allowing them to do so would be denying the "right" the opportunity to express their opinion, and the conservative base would surely accuse the media of being biased otherwise.

This phenomenon has reared its ugly head in the backlash against Rachael Ray, who wore a traditional Arab kaffiyeh as a scarf during a promotional television ad for Dunkin' Donuts. Because of the scarf's association with the middle east, pundits on the extreme right were allowed to incorrectly associate the garb with terrorism, and the ad was subsequently pulled after a media infused firestorm.

Rachael "Hussein" Ray: terrorist, or delicious Christmas ham?

The notion that any accessory or piece of clothing associated with the Arab world is somehow a throwback to terrorism is blatantly racist, yet the issue has been given credence by a media market half bent on giving these assholes airtime. Social conservatives are allowed to continually refer to the Democratic presidential candidate as "Barak HUSSEIN Obama", which plays off the exact same angle.

The umbrella of tolerance has suddenly included a hatred towards an entire race of people. Exactly who is speaking up for them, and exactly who is speaking up for the millions of people in North America who still consider the realm of logic fair game?

Hate to say I told you so (not really)

2008-03-31T15:37:00.003-04:00

Although I tend to think of myself as a skeptic, I pointed out a possible Conservative conspiracy during the 2006 election campaign regarding the Income Trust probe. During the probe, the Liberal finance minister's name was leaked as a possible suspect merely two weeks before voters went to the polls. During a lull in my insane ramblings, I pointed out that "the public needs to know the evidence behind this case now."

Using my trusty government conversion table, I soon found out that "now" equates to roughly two years in human time. Low and behold, the details surrounding the probe are finally becoming clear, and it now appears that the minister's involvement was non-existent, and even worse, the leaking of his name was contrary to RCMP policy.

The most unfortunate thing about this revelation is the timing of its release. Two years ago is considered ancient in the political timeframe, and this story is very unlikely to gain any traction beyond today's blip. In my opinion, the head of a government police agency falsely pointing the finger towards a finance minister in the heat of an election is no different than the alleged vote tampering conducted by the Bush administration. The only difference here is the immediacy of the accusation -- the Conservatives have once again successfully pushed more of their filth under the carpet, and stolen an election without a peep from the media.

To make sure the public isn't able to fully digest this new bit of news, the Conservatives clearly need to deflect some of the attention from themselves. Slander for political gain seems to be right up their alley, so maybe another false accusation about Obama's policy is in the cards.

No balls about it!

2008-02-15T08:45:00.005-05:00

Yesterday's widely publicized questioning period regarding the Roger Clemens steroid scandal provided viewers with some of the most dramatic and intense moments outside of a Fox reality show. As an avid Blue Jays fan, I couldn't help but smile as Clemens awkwardly shifted around his seat, attempting to explain his often contradictory stories regarding his relationship with Jose Canseco and Brain McNamee.

It's no secret around the baseball world that Clemens is an egomaniac, and has told his share of lies. I avidly remember the circumstances in which he left the Jays back in 1998, using a vague (and apparently illegal) clause in his contract to take a much more lucrative offer with the New York Yankees. This was after he repeatedly assured both his Toronto fans and Blue Jays G.M. Gord Ash that he had no intention of ditching the team. For crying out loud, the man is so self-absorbed that the names of all of his children start with the letter "K" as a tribute to his strikeouts (let's see here... Kody, Kimble, Kris, Karen, Kbobby, Kxavier... ).

The, Clemens, the (it’s translated from German).

There are some people in the media who are painting this inquiry as a witch hunt. It is becoming blatantly obvious that steroids were slowly drifting towards general acceptance in the professional sports world long before the whole thing blew up. If you put yourself in the shoes of a young athlete who has sacrificed his or her life to make the cut on a professional sports team and the only difference between being a somebody and being a nobody is an occasional injection, the decision is understandable.

But Clemens was a somebody long before he started taking steroids. To make things worse, he has repeatedly lied to fans, the media, and now directly to a group of congressmen regarding his involvement in the matter. The man seems to have no problem propping up his "solid" character during press conferences, yet he has failed miserably to take the high road during direct questioning. This is in direct contrast to Marion Jones, who in my opinion took an incredibly courageous step by admitting her prior drug use and giving her gold medals back to the IOC. Unlike Jose Canseco, there was no financial gain to be had by admitting her mistakes, and it's a travesty that a misguided judge decided to turn her into a scapegoat by slapping her with a six month prison term.

To me, this arrogant behaviour underscores a major image problem that baseball players have faced since the strike of 1994. The collective bargaining agreement has ensured exponential salary growth to players, while completely marginalizing smaller market teams. Major League Baseball's answer to these problems was to turn a blind eye to the drug problem as the home run explosion effectively brought the sport back to pre-strike levels. Even when the steroid problem became public, it took the sport years before drug testing was finally imposed, as management had to "negotiate" these new policies with the player's union. Shame on both the players union and Major League Baseball for allowing this to go on as long as it has. As far as I'm concerned, this is one witch hunt that is justified.

The land of the free, and the home of the screwed

2008-02-11T15:52:00.002-05:00

Although I do believe that many services provided by the government are wasteful and counterproductive, health care certainly isn't one of them. Heath care should be a right of every citizen, regardless of social or financial stature, period.

The notion that a free market will always result in the highest quality to the consumers is a flawed one. There is a fundamental difference between using the free market to purchase a car, for example, and using the free market to purchase health care. Unlike that shiny convertible sitting in the local lot, heath care is a necessity. Therefore, when a person has to choose between going into debt or dying, they're obviously going to choose the former.

In the end, people have no choice but to obtain health care in some way, shape, or form. This forced demand undermines the open market, whereby providers are under no pressure to lower their prices in the face of guaranteed purchasers. For that matter, quality inevitably goes out the window as well.

Hillary: fresh after eating a small container of puppies.

After reviewing the health care policies of the two Democratic candidates, it's clear that neither Clinton nor Obama will fix the American health care system. In fact, it's starting to look like their policies will make the system even worse.

On one side, Obama is suggesting that providing Americans with more health care options and subsidizing those who can't afford it will ensure "quality, affordable, and portable coverage for all." In addition, he has pledged that coverage will be mandatory for all citizens under the age of 25, yet he is still requiring these people to pay for the plans out of their own pockets. These changes will effectively increase the "forced demand" on an already overloaded market and drive costs up for the rich and poor alike. Insurance companies will have the right to increase their prices when a flood of new coverage requests are delivered on their doorstep due to these government-imposed regulations.

Clinton's policy, although she has continually thrown around the phrase "universal health care" in her speeches, is nearly identical to Obama's. Like Obama, she has put special emphasis on subsidies and choices, without addressing how these new rules will affect the open market. In addition, she has promised to introduce laws forcing insurance providers to accept all applicants, regardless of their health history. When two million obese Americans suddenly enter the system, does she really expect coverage to become more affordable?

When it comes to health care, you simply can't have your cake and eat it too. Private or public. Make a choice. The next time the government -- any government -- throws around the word "subsidy" as a compromise, ask yourself exactly who will be reaping this reward.

Tuesday: more "super" than Sunday

2008-02-04T12:35:00.001-05:00

America

is currently getting geared up for their so-called "Super Tuesday" whereby twenty-four states will vote to elect the leaders of the two political parties. This event has slowly been building momentum in the worldwide media, largely due to the tight race between Barak Obama and Hilary Clinton on the Democratic card. For the first time in recent memory, the mere act of voting is generating genuine excitement south of the border.

Supertuesday: The day is actually a lot cooler than the band.

Indeed, I believe this excitement is well warranted. For the first time in history, there is a very good chance that either a black man or a woman will be elected as leader of the world's most powerful nation. After voters decided to grant George W. Bush a second term back in 2004, it's hard to believe the profound social shift that has occurred in the American psyche. Who could have possibly predicted a liberal-minded woman or black middle-class rookie Senator making it all the way to the November election in this day and age?

However, one cannot simply credit demographics as the sole reason for tomorrow's importance. In my opinion, the policies and attitudes of both Democratic front runners represent an all-out revolution in American politics that hasn't been seen since the Kennedy era. Obama in particular is more focused on peace, equality, and fairness than any American leader in history. For once, he is rejecting the long-standing and childish policies of violence-before-dialogue that has gripped the world in decades of war and violence.

The emergence of these two renegade nominees underscores a major victory with the American brand of democracy. George W. Bush has miraculously managed to skirt his way around his country's own constitution by blatantly siphoning power away from Congress and violating international torture and rule-of-engagement laws. In merely eight years, the US has seen the foundation of its own democracy erode away without as much as a whimper to stop it. However, the last few months leading up to tomorrow's vote has reignited faith in the system, and for the first time in recent memory, voters have been given the mandate to save themselves by demanding a revolution within their leadership.

The irony of this situation is that like a human being, democracy needed to hit rock bottom before gaining the momentum to redeem itself. It is now generating more excitement and attention than it has in decades, and in a twisted way, we have the brutal policies of George W. Bush to thank for it. A democratic country is indeed reflected by the will of its people, and as such, it continually matures in line with the society that shapes it. We're about to witness a huge step forward in this maturity when over half of the country goes to the polls tomorrow.

Gouge Away!

2008-01-24T10:13:00.000-05:00

Fast on the heels of my last blog entry, Rogers today announced they would be increasing the price of their home phone "system access fee" by 30%. Consumers who were willing to sign a contract after being tempted with low rates are out of luck as usual. To make things worse, increasing the system access fee also allows Rogers to advertise the same rates to people as they were before.

This is in sharp contrast to our friends south of the border, who were able to nullify their cell phone contracts after Verizon increased their text messaging fees.

Where is the protection for Canadians?

The Wireless Industry and the Pitfall of Capitalism

2008-01-11T15:05:00.001-05:00

A very interesting article was posted today by Wired Magazine outlining Apple's foray into the mobile phone market. The story chronicles Apple's five year struggle to enter the market and goes on to explain how the iPhone "blew up" the entire industry.

While some may scoff at the iPhone as simply a fashionable product with clever marketing, any Canadian cell phone consumer can tell you the serious flaws currently plaguing the wireless industry. Many of the issues brought up in the Wired article should strike a chord with Canadians, as a serious lack of competition and loopholes in our laws have allowed the major providers to exploit their customers.

The big three -- Rogers, Telus, and Bell -- are posting record annual profits, while intentionally stifling competition and innovation. They have a stranglehold over the hardware manufacturers and are allowed to dictate the exact features (or lack thereof) being brought to the marketplace. While Asian countries enjoy the benefit of the latest and greatest hardware, North Americans have been stuck with phones that are years behind on the technological curve. By only offering the most basic handsets to their consumers, these companies are allowed to greatly increase their margins, while managing to block out the more advanced products.

When the iPhone was first introduced by Steve Jobs almost a year ago, I always maintained that we'd never be seeing the product in Canada. Over the past year, rampant rumours continue to surface in our media about "delays" in the iPhone's Canadian launch, speculating on anything from hurdles in Canadian copyright law to Apple themselves blocking the sale (which clearly makes absolutely no sense). The fact of the matter is that the iPhone represents a scenario where the manufacturer is allowed to directly cater to the consumer, which would effectively cut off Rogers as the middleman and stifle their artificial controls imposed on the marketplace.

This is what has become of our so-called "free market". The whole idea behind capitalism is that producers will compete and continue to innovate themselves in an effort to set themselves apart from the competition. Instead, companies are continually finding loopholes in an effort to trap their customers into buying their services. I have spoken to countless people who have been stuck with a cellular contract they never wanted, simply because they couldn't afford to pay the ridiculous prices for out-of-date hardware. To make matters worse, cell phone contracts are unfairly one-sided, where the provider is allowed to increase their rates at any point in time, while consumers are penalized hundreds of dollars for choosing to cancel their service.

We've gotten to the point where these large companies have free reign to engage in anti-competitive behaviour. They trick and coerce people into signing contracts against their will, and create a monopolized marketplace. The Microsoft business model over the last decade has further proven that it's far more cost effective to buy out the competition rather than competing with them. Larger and larger companies are emerging because of this, and North America is slowly but surely falling behind the rest of the world.

As these monopolies continue to grow, so do the pocketbooks of the lawyers and lobbyists whose mission it is to maintain the status quo. We're caught in a positive feedback cycle, and the only way to get out of it is for the government to interfere immediately.

A time out for TO

2007-09-15T12:07:00.000-04:00

It's no secret to anybody that the city of Toronto is in serious trouble. Rather than bitch and complain about the cause of this phenomenon like I usually do in this blog, I've decided to instead bitch and complain about three causes this time. Lucky you.

1. Downloading and the failure of Canada's political system

The current fiscal crisis in the city of Toronto has underscored a serious flaw with Canada's current democratic system. For all intents and purposes, the federal, provincial, and municipal governments are run as separate corporations where their individual revenues and expenses must be balanced. In Canada, we are currently faced with the situation where the federal government is rolling in dough, the provincial government is scraping by, and the municipal government is poorer than an obese hooker (and probably just as cracked out).

This fiscal imbalance can probably be traced back to the Jean Cretien/Mike Harris years, where somebody clued into the fact that they can save money by downloading expenses onto the government below them. This move has a dual purpose, where the reduction of expenses for these governments paints a false rosy picture of their financial situations, while at the same time creates the appearance that the government below them is at fault. Back when news started to surface about Toronto's financial situation, people were very quick to blame Mel Lastman, yet were perfectly happy re-electing continuous Liberal federal governments.

In the end, we're dealing with a situation where Canadian politicians have managed to find a way to pander for votes while simultaneously failing to do what is right for their constituents. This is a situation that has been happening far too often in this country in all levels of government.

2. David Miller

Now that I've talked on end about why we shouldn't be blaming the mayor for the state of affairs in this city, let me try and explain why everything is David Miller's fault.

Although most of the city of Toronto gave Mayor Miller a huge vote of confidence by easily electing him to his second term, the current fiscal crisis has proven that his leadership abilities are seriously lacking. The situation that Miller is faced with can be summed up with "you need to play the cards that you're dealt". In the case of Miller, he's clearly been dealt a 2-7 off-suit, yet instead of folding to conserve his chips, he's decided to go all-in and blame the dealer for his subsequent loss.

There's no question that Toronto's financial situation is in the shitter, but simply whining about the situation isn't going to help us. This attitude is typical of far-left politicians: pass the buck and don't offer any real solutions. This is exactly why John Kerry lost to George "Dubbya", and exactly why Buzz Hargrove (leader of the Canadian Auto Workers Union) made the ridiculous statement that the government should stop encouraging people to buy fuel efficient cars because it was "unfair" to North American auto companies. Forget the fact that these car companies are diverting R&D funds in order to pay the union members ridiculous salaries... it's always somebody else's fault.

For that matter, how many millions of dollars were spent in the various "give Toronto more money" campaigns Miller has instituted over the years? It doesn't take a genius to tell you that publicly calling out upper levels of government to get what you want is futile (and surprise surprise, it was). Now we're left with a situation where the city is scraping for every dollar it can find (or at least, that's what we're being told). We could have really used those millions of dollars right now.

3. Lack of ideas, lack of action

Toronto city council is gradually getting the reputation of a bureaucracy filled with pointless in-fighting and a complete lack of cooperation, and it's showing. Any reasonable idea that has come before city council is usually met with opposition from a local niche group, and is dead before it even gets off the ground.

Let's look at one contentious issue: the Toronto waterfront. Many proposals have come forward over the years, yet nothing has or will be agreed upon. The sad thing is that the city has a magnificent waterfront park at its fingertips that is mostly going to waste: Toronto Island. The island actually used to be a peninsula whose link was washed out by Hurricane Hazel in the 1960s. Since then, residents of the island have vehemently opposed and blocked any talk of building a bridge to reconnect the parklands to the city, and people are forced to either pay for and take the ferry across the gap or buy their own boat.

Either option requires people to spend far too much time and money to go to a place that should be publicly accessible. While I can understand the argument for banning cars on the island and controlling the noise from the airport, there is no reason why pedestrians shouldn't have free access to it. Building a pedestrian bridge to the island is a cheap and easy solution to completely open up the waterfront, yet a handful of island residents are somehow succeeding in blocking any construction, claiming that the increased noise resulting from more park-goers would be unreasonable. Meanwhile, city council seems to be at a stalemate on this issue (as usual), terrified of losing their precious votes, and completely willing to stick with the status quo.

This same idea can be extended to the TTC. Any resident can tell you that transit in this city is not running efficiently, yet council refuses to stray from the current system. Do we really need a subway running every five minutes at 1:00am on Wednesdays? Is it really wise to run a bus route at a time when only a handful of people are able to take advantage of it? The TTC should be expanding routes into areas that will bring them the highest ridership, and therefore generate the most revenue. Like it or not, the government is a business, and as such, it is in their best interest to serve the highest amount of customers possible, even if it means losing the vote of a small minority.

There's no question in my mind that Toronto is a great city. However, if it weren't for the greedy vote-grabbing actions of our politicians, we could be living in the best city in the world.

Bombs away!

2007-09-01T01:59:00.000-04:00

The big news around Southern Ontario today is the capture of an apparent "Canadian Unibomber" around the DVP area. According to this article, the man "was involved with sending letter/parcel bombs that were received around Southern Ontario recently."

While I'm thrilled they caught the guy, the first question that popped into my mind was, wait.. what letter bombs? Reading (much) further through the article, there is yet another mention of the bombs;

One letter recipient sustained minor injuries. The other noticed an odour and called police. A letter bomb was also sent to a Guelph residence earlier this month. Police are advising residents of southern Ontario not open any unexpected packages or letters.

Whoa, shit. So apparently there were crazy letter bomb blasts in Southern Ontario throughout the month. Now, having a subscription to the newspaper, you'd think I would have remembered reading something about this, but nope. I mean, if this was on CNN, it would be a huge story. But here in Canada, random explosives infiltrating our postal system are more of a "meh" issue. To sum things up:

American headline: "LETTER BOMBS TERRIFY THE REGION: YOUR FAMILY COULD BE NEXT!"

Canadian headline: *no articles found*

Ahhhh... it's uhhh... good to be Canadian.

Str8 acting? OMG, WTF!?

2007-02-27T21:19:00.000-05:00

I've started to notice that there's this huge stigma in the gay community with the use of the term, "straight acting". I've seen countless people use the phrase in their profile only to have dozens of people flame them (no pun intended). And I'm not just talking about casual insults; I'm talking about full fledged "die you fucking homophobe" posts.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, "straight acting" refers to a gay man that exhibits traditional heterosexual qualities. This is analogous to referring to an Asian person as a "banana" (which doesn't seem to carry the same negative connotations).

Now here's what makes me want to buy an arsenal of nukes and give them to a bunch of Arab extremists in an effort to destroy the world (thanks for the idea, 24!). Every gay man is well aware of the true meaning of the term, yet they use it as an excuse to flame open homosexuals for exhibiting what they consider to be "straight qualities". They act as though a fellow gay man that doesn't neatly fit into their definition of a homosexual is somehow "acting". In essence, they are propagating the exact stereotypes that they are trying to extinguish, and have become "reverse-homophobic".

In my opinion, this type of a person represents the lowest common denominator (note to self: never use math as a phrase ever again). They are clearly well aware of the issues facing minorities, yet they are ignorant enough to propagate these prejudices. At least most homophobes can claim that they don't personally know a gay person... reverse-homophobes can't use the same excuse.

To be fair, reverse-prejudice isn't just limited to the gay community. Stephen Dion recently announced he would ensure that 1/3 of Canadian ridings would have a female running in the next election, even if a male in that riding happened to be more qualified. Similarly, Many American colleges practice "affirmative action", which essentially results in deserving white students (regardless of the neighbourhood that they grew up) getting rejected by schools just because of the colour of their skin. I honestly don't see how this is any different from the practices of Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe, who is deporting white farmers out of his country so that black farmers can take their place.

In conclusion, yes, I am a straight acting gay man and proud of it. I like my sports, I like beer, and I love hot guys. If anybody has a problem with that, we can always settle this over a nice game of one-on-one basketball….

….uhhhh…. I’m talking about the video game of course. Queers can’t play basketball, you silly goose!

Duck and cover

2007-02-20T11:59:00.000-05:00

Border up your windows. Stock up on food rations and flashlights. Protect your children. Run if you have to. They were in the same room.

Seeing Red...

2006-07-10T11:27:00.000-04:00

Seeing as though we've only been updating this blog every couple of months, it is my sincere hope that the following image will remain on the main page for at least an entire year. It's clear to me that the Italian player took a dive on this one (or at least I can only infer this conclusion based on the play by Italy throughout the tournament).

The Johnny Depp Theory of the Universe

2006-04-03T23:03:00.000-04:00

I was having a conversation with one of my friends (Victoria) the other day and came up with a theory. A theory... OF THE UNIVERSE!!! Actually, to put things a tad more accurately, this is a theory of why so many women appear to have fallen in love with Johnny Depp.

Now personally, I could never really figure it out. Is it the anorexic body? The skin that looks like it's never touched the sun? The greasy, long black hair? The pubic hair moustache? Clearly not.

At that point, Vic started telling me that the first time he caught her eye was when she first saw the movie, Chocolat. And suddenly, the entire theory fell into place.

***

There is a certain hilarious episode of Seinfeld where George attempts to combine his two sensual addictions: sex, and food. His crazy plan is to hide a foot long Italian sub under his bed. Then, while having sex, he sneaks away from his woman and takes a large bite of the sandwich. The next day, he has lunch with Jerry and orders yet another sub. After making exaggerated comments of "ohhhhh, this sandwich is sooo good", George suddenly feels the urge to go to sleep upon finishing his meal. Immediately, Jerry devises a theory that after combining his two favourite experiences, George no longer has the capacity to distinguish between them.

***

As such, the theory is obvious. All you have to do is ask any girl the question, "is chocolate is better than sex?" Everybody knows what the answer to that is. So, Ladies... let me be the first to tell you:

JOHNNY DEPP IS NOT A CHOCOLATE BAR!

Thank you.

The media sucks their own Cox

2006-02-12T15:20:00.000-05:00

When did the media start serving their own interests rather than that of the public? Anybody that's taken a journalism course knows that the articles that appear in the paper are there because they are considered "newsworthy". Newsworthiness is normally based on such criteria as locality, subject matter, and public opinion. Despite this, we've been bombarded with stories on the "Wayne Gretzky Scandal", or as the New Jersey Police have called it, "Operation Slap Shot". The problem? Nobody seems to care, and I completely agree with this sentiment.

I've watched countless news reports regarding the public opinion of this scandal, and 90% of the people being polled seem to be annoyed that they are tarnishing the reputation of a public hero, and all hockey players asked to comment have held the opinion that the whole investigation has been blown out of proportion. I guess the whole "public opinion" thing has been thrown out of the window.

Personally, I don't see any story here at all. Wayne Gretzky's wife (which, contrary to what the media would have you believe, is not Wayne Gretzky) bet on football. Whoa... wait... somebody with disposable income bet on a football game? I don't know about you guys, but I'm thinking "firing squad" right off the bat. Beyond that fact, Wayne Gretzky is a co-owner of the Phoenix Coyotes, so even if it were him that was betting... and even if he was betting on hockey... and even if betting wasn't as common as driving 120 km/h on the 401... ah hem... then why would he do anything to sacrifice the income of his investment?

To make matters worse, the betting ring is still being investigated, and no evidence has been presented to the media whatsoever. Suspiciously, New Jersey police are claiming that there is a large amount of people involved in the ring, yet they've only released the names of those people involved in the NHL, and they've done so within a week of the Winter Olympics starting up. The fact that they have released these names along with a media-friendly catch phrase ("Operation Slap Shot") should further raise eyebrows.

In this new age of CNN beating out the major networks in the ratings, the public seems to perceive anything and everything reported by these news organizations as the golden rule. I have tremendous respect for Wayne Gretzky, as he's probably the only leader of his sport that has conducted himself with the utmost dignity. Compared to other athletes such as Michael Jordan--who pretty much invented the well-established wave of selling himself out in order to market to children--he's a saint.

It seems as though the sports pages have become the final frontier for the tabloid-style gossip that has been plaguing the other sections of the paper. The leader of this wave appears to be the Toronto Star's Damien Cox, who seems to think that drawing juicy conclusions based on zero evidence is the norm for a respected newspaper. You might remember his piece on the Toronto Blue Jays being "racist" simply because of the fact that they had the highest number of white players in the league. Although this story earned him a prominent spot on the front page of The Star, I always found it funny that the black players on the team never shared his opinion. The Wayne Gretzky scandal is no different, except this time virtually every major Canadian publication has picked up the story. It's a shame that the Canadian media has stopped catering to the general public, and instead, is catering to the National Enquirer audience.

Smells like onions to me

2006-02-07T14:10:00.000-05:00

This just in: theonion.com has finally shed its primitive image of being a satirical webzine. Yes, that's right; theonion.com has finally made the move to being a full-fledged psychic publication. Observe the following article from 2004:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930

Is this move bad for society, good for The Onion, or both? You be the judge.

Speaking of which, before you fool yourself into thinking $9.99 for the world’s most “advanced” razor is a good deal, always note the price of the replacement cartridges. In this case, 8 new blades will cost you a whopping $37.99. But it’s a small price to pay for tearing the skin cleanly off of your face, and then having four more blades further work their way deeper and deeper into your grotesquely bleeding flesh.

Pirating my own digital content...

2006-01-24T19:16:00.000-05:00

Seeing as though this blog seems to resolve around political and technology issues, I figured I'd post an answer to my ethics assignment:

Q: What are your views on (a) software piracy and (b) downloading music?

A: Ever since the sudden rise of a little software program known as "Napster" in the mid-90s, internet-based piracy has made headlines across the globe. Unlike conventional theft, which is generally viewed as illegal, digital piracy is generally regarded in student circles as an activity that is both acceptable and beneficial. This discrepancy raises the obvious question as to whether or not a difference exists between a physical object and digital data. To put things mildly, there is no difference—theft is still theft. Stealing and copying the data composed in software and mp3s is no different than stealing a BMW from a mall parking lot. In both cases, a bystander is likely to lose money because of it.

If we assume that, in fact, there is no difference between digital and physical property, then further questions need to be raised as to why the former is more prevalent. After all, if physical theft were to ever reach the extreme levels of internet piracy, then it would be safe to say that any object that we'd be lucky enough to have in our possession wouldn’t last for long. The difference, then, lies in how the two activities are enforced. On one hand, stealing a BMW from a mall parking lot is bound to attract the attention of local law enforcement. Conversely, the millions of songs being downloaded off of the internet each day aren’t likely to result in any punishment at all. Even if internet piracy was to start being seriously punished, then it is safe to say that most of the McMaster student body would end up with criminal records—not a likely scenario. The fact of the matter is, both the copying of proprietary software and the downloading of music have both become "acceptable" in the eyes of the public, even though the debate continues to rage on as to whether or not it is ethical.

If stemming the tide of digital piracy via enforcement is out of the question, then the perceptions of the public need to be changed instead. A high level of apathy currently exists towards both the music industry and major software companies among university-aged students. It is perceived that much of the content released by these industries is of a low quality, and pirating these products is therefore justified. In the case of software, many companies are selling products, such as Microsoft's Windows XP, for hundreds of dollars. Instead of paying for the software, many students copy the operating system illegally, only to find that the product is filled with bugs and security flaws, which further reinforces their original perception. The music industry is currently experiencing a similar phenomenon, whereby it is perceived that many of the artists being signed to record labels are of mediocre talent. As such, a general trend among the university crowd has emerged whereby the digital content is first downloaded or copied illegally, and then purchased if it meets a specified “quality benchmark”. Therefore, if piracy were to be completely eliminated, it is unlikely that the software and record industry would see any major sales gains, as the apathy against these industries would continue to flourish.

As such, even though digital piracy is certainly an unethical activity, it is very difficult to feel any sympathy towards those industries being victimized. While products released in the "physical" world can be scrutinized first-hand, the quality of digital content and software is based on a blind trust towards the brand and product. If the perceptions towards digital piracy are to be changed, then this trust between producer and consumer needs to be restored.

Note to self: never eat caviar again

2006-01-12T15:11:00.000-05:00

The new slogan for Always maxi pads claims, "have a happy period". Now, although some of my friends would claim otherwise, I'm no woman. But still, if pissing out a rotten and bloody human egg into a diaper is your idea of "happy", please get some psychiatric help.

Thank you.

Politics can be fun, right?

2006-01-10T18:58:00.000-05:00

The IncomeTrustProbeOfFun!

I'm not usually one to start breaking out conspiracy theories (in fact, I’m a sceptic if anything), but one has to question the timing of the latest leak of another Liberal party “scandal”. Dubbed the IncomeTrustProbe (I’ve taken out the spaces for originality and dramatic effect), it is alleged that information about increases in taxes was leaked to traders before the announcement. While I am by no means trying to find excuses for the Liberals, the public has not been presented with any evidence implicating the party at all, and we have been told that the RCMP is “investigating” the matter and it therefore cannot be discussed.

Can’t be discussed? Has somebody informed the RCMP that there’s a federal election coming up in two weeks? The mere mention of a second Liberal scandal has suddenly made a Conservative majority government possible, and the public needs to know the evidence behind this case now. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Conservatives win the election, only for the Mounties to set up a press conference a couple of days later completely clearing the Liberals of any wrongdoing.

While it’s completely possible that the Liberals were indeed responsible, I question the motives of the RCMP as they conduct their “investigation”. This is starting to look like shades of Bush’s win over Gore in 2000.

The Debate: Another Two Hours Wasted

I just wanted to thank Mr. Harper, Mr. Layton, Mr. Martin, and Mr. Duceppe for wasting two hours of my time last night. You know, I could have been doing something more constructive like smoking weed or looking at Internet porn, but instead, I was treated to listening to the same one minute speech from each candidate on repeat for two hours straight. Fun!

But seriously, something needs to be done about these debates. I and one of my housemates made the suggestion that every question should first be answered with a “yes” or a “no”, and then each leader should be allowed to give their one minute speech. If the first word coming out of their mouth isn’t “yes” or “no”, then they should promptly have their microphone cut off. Seriously. This way, if the leaders still insist on bullshitting their way out of every question, at least it’ll save the viewers some time.

In a particularly hilarious exchange, the candidates were asked about what needs to be done to encourage a higher voter turnout, and once again, the shit began to flow. I was anxiously waiting for one of the camera men to walk on the stage and point at the leaders saying, “THIS is why people don’t vote!”

Fun with frenchies...

2005-12-16T21:52:00.000-05:00

I'm watching the Canadaian federal debate on TV. Bloc leader Gilles Duceppe just made a hilarious gaffe. Duceppe was commenting on having a free vote in the House regarding same sex marriages. He looked straight at the camera and declared that he didn't see the point in having a vote on a question that has already previously been answered. Maybe somebody should have told the sovereigntists that after 1995...

Protest the Protesters!

2005-11-30T18:15:00.000-05:00

I was walking out of the engineering building yesterday and witnessed democracy literally crumbling before me. Bear with me.

I've now been a student at McMaster for six years, and it seems that as years go by, protesters of varying backgrounds have been increasingly clogging the arteries of my school. Various issues, whether it be the school's contract with Coke, or the banishment of vehicles on campus have been debated, argued, examined, protested, and finally voted on by the student body. I fully believe that everybody should have the right to fight for what they believe in, but eventually, the rights of the loudest minority is always going to win over the apathetic majority.

You're probably thinking that if that many people don't give a shit, then we shouldn't feel sorry for them when they lose out. I have always advocated the philosophy that if you don't vote in an election, then you don't have the right to complain about the government. But there's a certain point when things start getting ridiculous.

At McMaster, at any given point in time, there is at least one group attempting to push their agenda on the rest of the student body. Last month, there was a huge uproar about the school's exclusivity deal with Coca Cola, and how Coke was allegedly abusing their workers in South America. Protesters said that students should be given a choice on what beverages they could purchase on campus, and as such, the contract with Coke should not be renewed. Instead of the elected student union deciding on the issue, yet another referendum was held in which less than 12% of the undergraduate body voted. I can only assume that most of the students who did participate were either directly or indirectly involved with the protesting or were linked up with the McMaster Solar Car team who also somehow managed to slip their own agenda on the ballot. The remaining 88% of the undergrads? I can't imagine they even knew about the vote in the first place, and if they did, simply didn't care.

And you know what? I can't say I blame them. Assuming the contract with Coke is axed in the next two years, students will still buy Coke. And if they don't, they’ll buy Pepsi—another company that has a questionable human rights record. All of this fuss and all of this money spent on a referendum, and exactly nothing was accomplished (save for the organizers of the protest who can now add a new, glaring "perk" to their resume). This inefficiency underlies the need for a central government, and exposes the realities of a true democracy. If everybody can vote on every single issue, people will just stop caring. We have our own lives to worry about, and this is the exact reason why we pay government representatives to make decisions for us.

I'm sure all of this talk about "central government" and "protecting the interests of the majority" gives all of the left-wing hippies out there cause to celebrate. This brings me to the opposite side of the coin, which came to me when I walked out of John Hodgkin's Engineering Building (JHE) yesterday afternoon.

"The Plumbline" is an engineering-based satirical newspaper (and I use that word loosely—it’s more like a single-sided black and white photocopy) that has been around for decades, and is run by the McMaster Engineering Society. Most engineers love the publication. They love the fact that it's dirty, they love the fact that it's crude, and they love the fact that it's politically incorrect. These are also the reasons why the majority of non-engineers hate the publication. Queue the protesters.

When I walked out of JHE that day, there they were. Signs out, screaming at the top of their lungs, calling for the complete banishment of The Plumbline from campus. I would later find out that an engineering student is currently standing trial for sexual assault (although they conveniently embellished on the charges, calling the offence "rape").

Obviously, The Plumbline is to blame for the charges. It doesn't matter that the trial is ongoing. It doesn't matter that there is no logical way a satirical publication can be held responsible for the violent actions of an individual. It doesn't matter that The Plumbline is completely funded by engineers. It doesn't matter that in the last two years, the editors of The Plumbline have severely toned down the offensive content of the paper. It doesn't matter that the movement is basing its protests against snippets of the paper that were written years ago. It doesn't matter that The Plumbline is only available in the engineering lounge, and not promoted anywhere on campus. PUNISH THEM!

And while we're at it, we should shut down other offensive material on campus. The GLBT centre has gotta go—it’ll offend hard-lined Catholics. And Christian groups? Hey... you're going to offend some members of the Islamic population. Zionists? Hah! You're outta here. And my sincere apologies to the McMaster football team. I'm sorry to tell you that there is a large group of people on campus that don't believe in violent sports.

And so, low-and-behold, the yelling outside of JHE continues. The fact of the matter is, the actual content of The Plumbline is completely irrelevant. This is a matter of free speech. If you don't like The Plumbline, then don't read it. Respect the fact that we're ALL different. We all have different beliefs, different values, and different types of humour.

Something tells me I'm not going to like the results of the next referendum....

Vindication

2005-11-25T19:48:00.000-05:00

http://www.geek.com/news/geeknews/2005Nov/bga20051125033471.htm

AHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA....

The best part of the article is Microsoft executives claiming that the xbox problems are "par for the course". What a world that company must live in....

Deathmobile

2005-07-04T17:29:00.000-04:00

Karla Homolka drives a Caravan. Just thought you'd like to know.

Sqeaky Clean

2005-05-18T00:39:00.000-04:00

Let us all take a moment to bathe in the tears of unfathomable sadness of Microsoft:

"Much to the surprise of journalists, Sony came out with a bang at their pre-E3 conference on Monday. What started off as a dull series of generic demos and videos quickly turned into a jaw-dropping demonstration of the PlayStation 3’s capabilities -- completely overshadowing Microsoft’s subsequent Xbox 360 press event."
-Gamepro

"In 2004, Sony's older PlayStation 2 led the U.S. console wars with 43 percent of the market, according to Jupiter Research. The original Xbox was a distant No. 2 with 19 percent, followed by Nintendo's GameCube at 14 percent. The remainder included handheld game systems."
-Matt Slagle, AP

Basically, Nintendo's GameCube almost beat out the Microsoft console, which has far superior (and considerably more expensive) architecture. It's refreshing to know that the younger generation of consumers hate Microsoft as much as I do. And it's only a matter of time until Gates finally reaps the "rewards" of Windows.

Don't forget: God hates you AND your music

2005-04-25T16:04:00.000-04:00

For some reason, Christian groups have taken it upon themselves to start reviewing rock albums. Obviously, they hate everything, and hilarity results.

http://search.family.org/query.cfm?style=pluggedin&qt=nine%20inch%20nails

An exerpt from the review of Nine Inch Nail's, The Fragile: "This follow-up to 1994's The Downward Spiral (5 million copies sold) avoids angry songs about animalistic sex and suicide. For that we are truly grateful. Still, more than 100 minutes of self-destructiveness and pain make The Fragile only a mild improvement. Encourage teens to pray for Reznor instead of wallowing in his ear-splitting hopelessness."

Feel free to search for your favorite band on the website and marvel at the stupidity of "Christian groups".

Popes are for eating

2005-04-19T15:22:00.000-04:00

I'll have a Pope Benedict, over-easy, with a side of bacon. Mmmmm... tastes like Jesus.

Another reason to hate Usher

2005-04-13T14:19:00.000-04:00

This is exactly why asian people have no business listening to black music:

www.winonatong.com/video/goggleboy_caughtupsmall.wmv

No... wait a minute... Usher is whiter than I am, and that's saying a lot.

Speaking of excuses (not to study)...

2005-04-11T00:48:00.000-04:00

It’s time for another exciting episode of MYTH BUSTERS, where we attempt to dispel popular urban myths. In tonight’s episode, we’ll look at everybody’s favorite vegetable, marijuana.

MYTH: Weed makes me want to express myself more creatively.
REALITY: No… you’re just a pothead.

MYTH: Weed allows me to better express my creative side.
REALITY: No… you’re just a pothead.

MYTH: Weed allows me to better appreciate music.
REALITY: No… you’re just a pothead.

MYTH: Weed allows me to get a better nights rest.
REALITY: No… you’re just a pothead.

MYTH: Weed allows me to better connect with the true and peaceful life-force of the earth.
REALITY: No… you’re just a pothead, and a retard.

MYTH: Weed turns me into a murderous rapist intent on having Patricia Arquette as my next victim.
REALITY: This is perfectly normal. Please continue smoking as you normally would.

Mmmmm... satirical

2005-01-14T22:04:00.000-05:00

Right at this moment, thousands of people are angering God. Yes, that's right. These people are blatantly pissing directly up into the sky, and the strength of this piss is so strong, that it is hitting God directly in the eye. All right, maybe I'm being a tad facetious. Most people can't piss nearly that high. But by allowing two men or two women to get married, we're basically doing the exact same thing.

It says very clearly in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin, and as everybody knows, the contents of the Bible contain the precise words of God (as spoken in English to Penguin Publishing). Furthermore, and correct me if I'm wrong, but the close bond between church and state form the very basis of our democracy.

Even if we forget about religion, it is the responsibility of government to act in a way that upholds moral values for the good of our society. The traditional definition of marriage upholds a certain level of order to the way we live, and supports a sacred bond that transcends the shallow search for sex and money that is often associated with gay relationships.

Furthermore, the sacrament of marriage has been around for an eternity, and is something that will certainly last for an eternity to come. When a man and a woman commit to each other, they are professing their love to each other until the end of time. We do not therefore have the authority to change a sacred commitment that God Himself has designed never to end.

Some of the crazy left-wing hippies out there contend that love knows no bounds, and marriage should therefore follow suit. These people are obviously on drugs, and should be ignored and beaten if necessary. If love and marriage can indeed be extended to the same sex, why stop there? Soon enough, the government will start drafting laws that allow dogs to get married, and the madness will never end. Of course, I am once again being facetious. It should be obvious that a filthy animal doesn't nearly have the capacity of intelligence to commit to a marriage.

In conclusion, Jessica Simpson should be fed to a pack of wolves that have been meticulously trained to eat Revlon makeup.

And to completely discredit this blog...

2004-12-25T04:05:00.000-05:00

Top 10 Ways to Survive the Christmas Mass

1) As a matter of tradition, do not start eating the popcorn until the mass has started.

2) Instead of "Away in a Manger", sing "Happy Birthday" to Santa Claus as the priest is entering the mass.

3) Blatantly insert a copy of today's newspaper in the Hymn book, and read it throughout the mass.

4) Continuously refer to Holy Communion as "the time where we can ingest chunks of Jesus".

5) When the collection basket comes your way, grab it, stand up, and exclaim "I WIN!!" and run out of the building.

6) When "the time to ingest chunks of Jesus" comes around, receive the Host and accuse the priest of false advertising, pointing out that the communion is only 1/4 the size of the Host that he held up at the alter earlier. If he refuses to give you the larger "priest-sized" Host, threaten to take your business elseware.

7) If wine is offered, violently grab the glass from the priest and chug its contents in a single gulp. Make a loud "AHHHHHHH" sound and stumble back to the pew.

8) When the priest has his head turned, perform an abortion on the nearest pregnant woman.

9) If the priest manages to turn his head again (as if he didn't learn his lesson the first time), have a gay orgy in the aisle.

10) At the conclusion of the mass, immediately stand up and applaud. Give the priest a playful punch to the shoulder, congratulating him for the fact that no little boy was molested for the entire mass.

And on that note... Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Boxing...

2004-12-13T02:14:00.000-05:00

There always seems to be a giant fat-ass white guy battling againt an agile black man in a typical televised boxing match. Am I the only person that roots for the black guy just because of his race? It's as though the laws of racism are suddenly reversed for 12 rounds, and then when the bell rings, everything returns to the good old fashioned KKK mentality.

"I want to put a baby in there."
-"Bill the Pervert" pointing to the stomach of Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live