Mmmmm... satirical

Right at this moment, thousands of people are angering God. Yes, that's right. These people are blatantly pissing directly up into the sky, and the strength of this piss is so strong, that it is hitting God directly in the eye. All right, maybe I'm being a tad facetious. Most people can't piss nearly that high. But by allowing two men or two women to get married, we're basically doing the exact same thing.

It says very clearly in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin, and as everybody knows, the contents of the Bible contain the precise words of God (as spoken in English to Penguin Publishing). Furthermore, and correct me if I'm wrong, but the close bond between church and state form the very basis of our democracy.

Even if we forget about religion, it is the responsibility of government to act in a way that upholds moral values for the good of our society. The traditional definition of marriage upholds a certain level of order to the way we live, and supports a sacred bond that transcends the shallow search for sex and money that is often associated with gay relationships.

Furthermore, the sacrament of marriage has been around for an eternity, and is something that will certainly last for an eternity to come. When a man and a woman commit to each other, they are professing their love to each other until the end of time. We do not therefore have the authority to change a sacred commitment that God Himself has designed never to end.



Some of the crazy left-wing hippies out there contend that love knows no bounds, and marriage should therefore follow suit. These people are obviously on drugs, and should be ignored and beaten if necessary. If love and marriage can indeed be extended to the same sex, why stop there? Soon enough, the government will start drafting laws that allow dogs to get married, and the madness will never end. Of course, I am once again being facetious. It should be obvious that a filthy animal doesn't nearly have the capacity of intelligence to commit to a marriage.

In conclusion, Jessica Simpson should be fed to a pack of wolves that have been meticulously trained to eat Revlon makeup.