The Johnny Depp Theory of the Universe

I was having a conversation with one of my friends (Victoria) the other day and came up with a theory. A theory... OF THE UNIVERSE!!! Actually, to put things a tad more accurately, this is a theory of why so many women appear to have fallen in love with Johnny Depp.

Now personally, I could never really figure it out. Is it the anorexic body? The skin that looks like it's never touched the sun? The greasy, long black hair? The pubic hair moustache? Clearly not.

At that point, Vic started telling me that the first time he caught her eye was when she first saw the movie, Chocolat. And suddenly, the entire theory fell into place.

***

There is a certain hilarious episode of Seinfeld where George attempts to combine his two sensual addictions: sex, and food. His crazy plan is to hide a foot long Italian sub under his bed. Then, while having sex, he sneaks away from his woman and takes a large bite of the sandwich. The next day, he has lunch with Jerry and orders yet another sub. After making exaggerated comments of "ohhhhh, this sandwich is sooo good", George suddenly feels the urge to go to sleep upon finishing his meal. Immediately, Jerry devises a theory that after combining his two favourite experiences, George no longer has the capacity to distinguish between them.

***

As such, the theory is obvious. All you have to do is ask any girl the question, "is chocolate is better than sex?" Everybody knows what the answer to that is. So, Ladies... let me be the first to tell you:

JOHNNY DEPP IS NOT A CHOCOLATE BAR!

Thank you.

The media sucks their own Cox

When did the media start serving their own interests rather than that of the public? Anybody that's taken a journalism course knows that the articles that appear in the paper are there because they are considered "newsworthy". Newsworthiness is normally based on such criteria as locality, subject matter, and public opinion. Despite this, we've been bombarded with stories on the "Wayne Gretzky Scandal", or as the New Jersey Police have called it, "Operation Slap Shot". The problem? Nobody seems to care, and I completely agree with this sentiment.

I've watched countless news reports regarding the public opinion of this scandal, and 90% of the people being polled seem to be annoyed that they are tarnishing the reputation of a public hero, and all hockey players asked to comment have held the opinion that the whole investigation has been blown out of proportion. I guess the whole "public opinion" thing has been thrown out of the window.

Personally, I don't see any story here at all. Wayne Gretzky's wife (which, contrary to what the media would have you believe, is not Wayne Gretzky) bet on football. Whoa... wait... somebody with disposable income bet on a football game? I don't know about you guys, but I'm thinking "firing squad" right off the bat. Beyond that fact, Wayne Gretzky is a co-owner of the Phoenix Coyotes, so even if it were him that was betting... and even if he was betting on hockey... and even if betting wasn't as common as driving 120 km/h on the 401... ah hem... then why would he do anything to sacrifice the income of his investment?

To make matters worse, the betting ring is still being investigated, and no evidence has been presented to the media whatsoever. Suspiciously, New Jersey police are claiming that there is a large amount of people involved in the ring, yet they've only released the names of those people involved in the NHL, and they've done so within a week of the Winter Olympics starting up. The fact that they have released these names along with a media-friendly catch phrase ("Operation Slap Shot") should further raise eyebrows.

In this new age of CNN beating out the major networks in the ratings, the public seems to perceive anything and everything reported by these news organizations as the golden rule. I have tremendous respect for Wayne Gretzky, as he's probably the only leader of his sport that has conducted himself with the utmost dignity. Compared to other athletes such as Michael Jordan--who pretty much invented the well-established wave of selling himself out in order to market to children--he's a saint.

It seems as though the sports pages have become the final frontier for the tabloid-style gossip that has been plaguing the other sections of the paper. The leader of this wave appears to be the Toronto Star's Damien Cox, who seems to think that drawing juicy conclusions based on zero evidence is the norm for a respected newspaper. You might remember his piece on the Toronto Blue Jays being "racist" simply because of the fact that they had the highest number of white players in the league. Although this story earned him a prominent spot on the front page of The Star, I always found it funny that the black players on the team never shared his opinion. The Wayne Gretzky scandal is no different, except this time virtually every major Canadian publication has picked up the story. It's a shame that the Canadian media has stopped catering to the general public, and instead, is catering to the National Enquirer audience.

Smells like onions to me

This just in: theonion.com has finally shed its primitive image of being a satirical webzine. Yes, that's right; theonion.com has finally made the move to being a full-fledged psychic publication. Observe the following article from 2004:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930

Is this move bad for society, good for The Onion, or both? You be the judge.

Speaking of which, before you fool yourself into thinking $9.99 for the world’s most “advanced” razor is a good deal, always note the price of the replacement cartridges. In this case, 8 new blades will cost you a whopping $37.99. But it’s a small price to pay for tearing the skin cleanly off of your face, and then having four more blades further work their way deeper and deeper into your grotesquely bleeding flesh.

Pirating my own digital content...

Seeing as though this blog seems to resolve around political and technology issues, I figured I'd post an answer to my ethics assignment:

Q: What are your views on (a) software piracy and (b) downloading music?

A: Ever since the sudden rise of a little software program known as "Napster" in the mid-90s, internet-based piracy has made headlines across the globe. Unlike conventional theft, which is generally viewed as illegal, digital piracy is generally regarded in student circles as an activity that is both acceptable and beneficial. This discrepancy raises the obvious question as to whether or not a difference exists between a physical object and digital data. To put things mildly, there is no difference—theft is still theft. Stealing and copying the data composed in software and mp3s is no different than stealing a BMW from a mall parking lot. In both cases, a bystander is likely to lose money because of it.

If we assume that, in fact, there is no difference between digital and physical property, then further questions need to be raised as to why the former is more prevalent. After all, if physical theft were to ever reach the extreme levels of internet piracy, then it would be safe to say that any object that we'd be lucky enough to have in our possession wouldn’t last for long. The difference, then, lies in how the two activities are enforced. On one hand, stealing a BMW from a mall parking lot is bound to attract the attention of local law enforcement. Conversely, the millions of songs being downloaded off of the internet each day aren’t likely to result in any punishment at all. Even if internet piracy was to start being seriously punished, then it is safe to say that most of the McMaster student body would end up with criminal records—not a likely scenario. The fact of the matter is, both the copying of proprietary software and the downloading of music have both become "acceptable" in the eyes of the public, even though the debate continues to rage on as to whether or not it is ethical.

If stemming the tide of digital piracy via enforcement is out of the question, then the perceptions of the public need to be changed instead. A high level of apathy currently exists towards both the music industry and major software companies among university-aged students. It is perceived that much of the content released by these industries is of a low quality, and pirating these products is therefore justified. In the case of software, many companies are selling products, such as Microsoft's Windows XP, for hundreds of dollars. Instead of paying for the software, many students copy the operating system illegally, only to find that the product is filled with bugs and security flaws, which further reinforces their original perception. The music industry is currently experiencing a similar phenomenon, whereby it is perceived that many of the artists being signed to record labels are of mediocre talent. As such, a general trend among the university crowd has emerged whereby the digital content is first downloaded or copied illegally, and then purchased if it meets a specified “quality benchmark”. Therefore, if piracy were to be completely eliminated, it is unlikely that the software and record industry would see any major sales gains, as the apathy against these industries would continue to flourish.

As such, even though digital piracy is certainly an unethical activity, it is very difficult to feel any sympathy towards those industries being victimized. While products released in the "physical" world can be scrutinized first-hand, the quality of digital content and software is based on a blind trust towards the brand and product. If the perceptions towards digital piracy are to be changed, then this trust between producer and consumer needs to be restored.

Note to self: never eat caviar again

The new slogan for Always maxi pads claims, "have a happy period". Now, although some of my friends would claim otherwise, I'm no woman. But still, if pissing out a rotten and bloody human egg into a diaper is your idea of "happy", please get some psychiatric help.

Thank you.

Politics can be fun, right?

The IncomeTrustProbeOfFun!

I'm not usually one to start breaking out conspiracy theories (in fact, I’m a sceptic if anything), but one has to question the timing of the latest leak of another Liberal party “scandal”. Dubbed the IncomeTrustProbe (I’ve taken out the spaces for originality and dramatic effect), it is alleged that information about increases in taxes was leaked to traders before the announcement. While I am by no means trying to find excuses for the Liberals, the public has not been presented with any evidence implicating the party at all, and we have been told that the RCMP is “investigating” the matter and it therefore cannot be discussed.

Can’t be discussed? Has somebody informed the RCMP that there’s a federal election coming up in two weeks? The mere mention of a second Liberal scandal has suddenly made a Conservative majority government possible, and the public needs to know the evidence behind this case now. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Conservatives win the election, only for the Mounties to set up a press conference a couple of days later completely clearing the Liberals of any wrongdoing.

While it’s completely possible that the Liberals were indeed responsible, I question the motives of the RCMP as they conduct their “investigation”. This is starting to look like shades of Bush’s win over Gore in 2000.

The Debate: Another Two Hours Wasted

I just wanted to thank Mr. Harper, Mr. Layton, Mr. Martin, and Mr. Duceppe for wasting two hours of my time last night. You know, I could have been doing something more constructive like smoking weed or looking at Internet porn, but instead, I was treated to listening to the same one minute speech from each candidate on repeat for two hours straight. Fun!

But seriously, something needs to be done about these debates. I and one of my housemates made the suggestion that every question should first be answered with a “yes” or a “no”, and then each leader should be allowed to give their one minute speech. If the first word coming out of their mouth isn’t “yes” or “no”, then they should promptly have their microphone cut off. Seriously. This way, if the leaders still insist on bullshitting their way out of every question, at least it’ll save the viewers some time.

In a particularly hilarious exchange, the candidates were asked about what needs to be done to encourage a higher voter turnout, and once again, the shit began to flow. I was anxiously waiting for one of the camera men to walk on the stage and point at the leaders saying, “THIS is why people don’t vote!”

Fun with frenchies...

I'm watching the Canadaian federal debate on TV. Bloc leader Gilles Duceppe just made a hilarious gaffe. Duceppe was commenting on having a free vote in the House regarding same sex marriages. He looked straight at the camera and declared that he didn't see the point in having a vote on a question that has already previously been answered. Maybe somebody should have told the sovereigntists that after 1995...

Protest the Protesters!

I was walking out of the engineering building yesterday and witnessed democracy literally crumbling before me. Bear with me.

I've now been a student at McMaster for six years, and it seems that as years go by, protesters of varying backgrounds have been increasingly clogging the arteries of my school. Various issues, whether it be the school's contract with Coke, or the banishment of vehicles on campus have been debated, argued, examined, protested, and finally voted on by the student body. I fully believe that everybody should have the right to fight for what they believe in, but eventually, the rights of the loudest minority is always going to win over the apathetic majority.

You're probably thinking that if that many people don't give a shit, then we shouldn't feel sorry for them when they lose out. I have always advocated the philosophy that if you don't vote in an election, then you don't have the right to complain about the government. But there's a certain point when things start getting ridiculous.

At McMaster, at any given point in time, there is at least one group attempting to push their agenda on the rest of the student body. Last month, there was a huge uproar about the school's exclusivity deal with Coca Cola, and how Coke was allegedly abusing their workers in South America. Protesters said that students should be given a choice on what beverages they could purchase on campus, and as such, the contract with Coke should not be renewed. Instead of the elected student union deciding on the issue, yet another referendum was held in which less than 12% of the undergraduate body voted. I can only assume that most of the students who did participate were either directly or indirectly involved with the protesting or were linked up with the McMaster Solar Car team who also somehow managed to slip their own agenda on the ballot. The remaining 88% of the undergrads? I can't imagine they even knew about the vote in the first place, and if they did, simply didn't care.

And you know what? I can't say I blame them. Assuming the contract with Coke is axed in the next two years, students will still buy Coke. And if they don't, they’ll buy Pepsi—another company that has a questionable human rights record. All of this fuss and all of this money spent on a referendum, and exactly nothing was accomplished (save for the organizers of the protest who can now add a new, glaring "perk" to their resume). This inefficiency underlies the need for a central government, and exposes the realities of a true democracy. If everybody can vote on every single issue, people will just stop caring. We have our own lives to worry about, and this is the exact reason why we pay government representatives to make decisions for us.

I'm sure all of this talk about "central government" and "protecting the interests of the majority" gives all of the left-wing hippies out there cause to celebrate. This brings me to the opposite side of the coin, which came to me when I walked out of John Hodgkin's Engineering Building (JHE) yesterday afternoon.

"The Plumbline" is an engineering-based satirical newspaper (and I use that word loosely—it’s more like a single-sided black and white photocopy) that has been around for decades, and is run by the McMaster Engineering Society. Most engineers love the publication. They love the fact that it's dirty, they love the fact that it's crude, and they love the fact that it's politically incorrect. These are also the reasons why the majority of non-engineers hate the publication. Queue the protesters.

When I walked out of JHE that day, there they were. Signs out, screaming at the top of their lungs, calling for the complete banishment of The Plumbline from campus. I would later find out that an engineering student is currently standing trial for sexual assault (although they conveniently embellished on the charges, calling the offence "rape").

Obviously, The Plumbline is to blame for the charges. It doesn't matter that the trial is ongoing. It doesn't matter that there is no logical way a satirical publication can be held responsible for the violent actions of an individual. It doesn't matter that The Plumbline is completely funded by engineers. It doesn't matter that in the last two years, the editors of The Plumbline have severely toned down the offensive content of the paper. It doesn't matter that the movement is basing its protests against snippets of the paper that were written years ago. It doesn't matter that The Plumbline is only available in the engineering lounge, and not promoted anywhere on campus. PUNISH THEM!

And while we're at it, we should shut down other offensive material on campus. The GLBT centre has gotta go—it’ll offend hard-lined Catholics. And Christian groups? Hey... you're going to offend some members of the Islamic population. Zionists? Hah! You're outta here. And my sincere apologies to the McMaster football team. I'm sorry to tell you that there is a large group of people on campus that don't believe in violent sports.

And so, low-and-behold, the yelling outside of JHE continues. The fact of the matter is, the actual content of The Plumbline is completely irrelevant. This is a matter of free speech. If you don't like The Plumbline, then don't read it. Respect the fact that we're ALL different. We all have different beliefs, different values, and different types of humour.

Something tells me I'm not going to like the results of the next referendum....

Vindication

http://www.geek.com/news/geeknews/2005Nov/bga20051125033471.htm

AHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA....

The best part of the article is Microsoft executives claiming that the xbox problems are "par for the course". What a world that company must live in....

Deathmobile

Karla Homolka drives a Caravan. Just thought you'd like to know.

Sqeaky Clean

Let us all take a moment to bathe in the tears of unfathomable sadness of Microsoft:

"Much to the surprise of journalists, Sony came out with a bang at their pre-E3 conference on Monday. What started off as a dull series of generic demos and videos quickly turned into a jaw-dropping demonstration of the PlayStation 3’s capabilities -- completely overshadowing Microsoft’s subsequent Xbox 360 press event."
-Gamepro

"In 2004, Sony's older PlayStation 2 led the U.S. console wars with 43 percent of the market, according to Jupiter Research. The original Xbox was a distant No. 2 with 19 percent, followed by Nintendo's GameCube at 14 percent. The remainder included handheld game systems."
-Matt Slagle, AP

Basically, Nintendo's GameCube almost beat out the Microsoft console, which has far superior (and considerably more expensive) architecture. It's refreshing to know that the younger generation of consumers hate Microsoft as much as I do. And it's only a matter of time until Gates finally reaps the "rewards" of Windows.

Don't forget: God hates you AND your music

For some reason, Christian groups have taken it upon themselves to start reviewing rock albums. Obviously, they hate everything, and hilarity results.

http://search.family.org/query.cfm?style=pluggedin&qt=nine%20inch%20nails

An exerpt from the review of Nine Inch Nail's, The Fragile: "This follow-up to 1994's The Downward Spiral (5 million copies sold) avoids angry songs about animalistic sex and suicide. For that we are truly grateful. Still, more than 100 minutes of self-destructiveness and pain make The Fragile only a mild improvement. Encourage teens to pray for Reznor instead of wallowing in his ear-splitting hopelessness."

Feel free to search for your favorite band on the website and marvel at the stupidity of "Christian groups".

Popes are for eating

I'll have a Pope Benedict, over-easy, with a side of bacon. Mmmmm... tastes like Jesus.

Another reason to hate Usher

This is exactly why asian people have no business listening to black music:

www.winonatong.com/video/goggleboy_caughtupsmall.wmv

No... wait a minute... Usher is whiter than I am, and that's saying a lot.

Speaking of excuses (not to study)...

It’s time for another exciting episode of MYTH BUSTERS, where we attempt to dispel popular urban myths. In tonight’s episode, we’ll look at everybody’s favorite vegetable, marijuana.

MYTH: Weed makes me want to express myself more creatively.
REALITY: No… you’re just a pothead.

MYTH: Weed allows me to better express my creative side.
REALITY: No… you’re just a pothead.

MYTH: Weed allows me to better appreciate music.
REALITY: No… you’re just a pothead.

MYTH: Weed allows me to get a better nights rest.
REALITY: No… you’re just a pothead.

MYTH: Weed allows me to better connect with the true and peaceful life-force of the earth.
REALITY: No… you’re just a pothead, and a retard.

MYTH: Weed turns me into a murderous rapist intent on having Patricia Arquette as my next victim.
REALITY: This is perfectly normal. Please continue smoking as you normally would.

Mmmmm... satirical

Right at this moment, thousands of people are angering God. Yes, that's right. These people are blatantly pissing directly up into the sky, and the strength of this piss is so strong, that it is hitting God directly in the eye. All right, maybe I'm being a tad facetious. Most people can't piss nearly that high. But by allowing two men or two women to get married, we're basically doing the exact same thing.

It says very clearly in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin, and as everybody knows, the contents of the Bible contain the precise words of God (as spoken in English to Penguin Publishing). Furthermore, and correct me if I'm wrong, but the close bond between church and state form the very basis of our democracy.

Even if we forget about religion, it is the responsibility of government to act in a way that upholds moral values for the good of our society. The traditional definition of marriage upholds a certain level of order to the way we live, and supports a sacred bond that transcends the shallow search for sex and money that is often associated with gay relationships.

Furthermore, the sacrament of marriage has been around for an eternity, and is something that will certainly last for an eternity to come. When a man and a woman commit to each other, they are professing their love to each other until the end of time. We do not therefore have the authority to change a sacred commitment that God Himself has designed never to end.



Some of the crazy left-wing hippies out there contend that love knows no bounds, and marriage should therefore follow suit. These people are obviously on drugs, and should be ignored and beaten if necessary. If love and marriage can indeed be extended to the same sex, why stop there? Soon enough, the government will start drafting laws that allow dogs to get married, and the madness will never end. Of course, I am once again being facetious. It should be obvious that a filthy animal doesn't nearly have the capacity of intelligence to commit to a marriage.

In conclusion, Jessica Simpson should be fed to a pack of wolves that have been meticulously trained to eat Revlon makeup.

And to completely discredit this blog...

Top 10 Ways to Survive the Christmas Mass

1) As a matter of tradition, do not start eating the popcorn until the mass has started.

2) Instead of "Away in a Manger", sing "Happy Birthday" to Santa Claus as the priest is entering the mass.

3) Blatantly insert a copy of today's newspaper in the Hymn book, and read it throughout the mass.

4) Continuously refer to Holy Communion as "the time where we can ingest chunks of Jesus".

5) When the collection basket comes your way, grab it, stand up, and exclaim "I WIN!!" and run out of the building.

6) When "the time to ingest chunks of Jesus" comes around, receive the Host and accuse the priest of false advertising, pointing out that the communion is only 1/4 the size of the Host that he held up at the alter earlier. If he refuses to give you the larger "priest-sized" Host, threaten to take your business elseware.

7) If wine is offered, violently grab the glass from the priest and chug its contents in a single gulp. Make a loud "AHHHHHHH" sound and stumble back to the pew.

8) When the priest has his head turned, perform an abortion on the nearest pregnant woman.

9) If the priest manages to turn his head again (as if he didn't learn his lesson the first time), have a gay orgy in the aisle.

10) At the conclusion of the mass, immediately stand up and applaud. Give the priest a playful punch to the shoulder, congratulating him for the fact that no little boy was molested for the entire mass.

And on that note... Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Boxing...

There always seems to be a giant fat-ass white guy battling againt an agile black man in a typical televised boxing match. Am I the only person that roots for the black guy just because of his race? It's as though the laws of racism are suddenly reversed for 12 rounds, and then when the bell rings, everything returns to the good old fashioned KKK mentality.

"I want to put a baby in there."
-"Bill the Pervert" pointing to the stomach of Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live